Somewhere beneath a self-storage facility, a biological nightmare that should have stayed buried has decided humanity has had a pretty good fucking run, and now it's time to clear the shelves. Cold Storage is a gloriously deranged little bastard of a movie, the kind of unapologetic creature feature I grew up loving and still find myself defending against people who seem convinced horror has to be relentlessly miserable to deserve their respect. Fuck that.
There's some of The Andromeda Strain in its biological paranoia, a generous helping of The Blob in its appetite for destruction, and the wonderfully irresponsible spirit of The Return of the Living Dead running through the whole enterprise. Director Jonny Campbell understands that horror and comedy aren't opposing forces. The best examples let the two genres beat the living shit out of each other, allowing the laughs to make the violence more startling rather than less effective. Cold Storage gets that balance right more often than not, and I had an absolute blast.
Oh, and all this biological unpleasantness takes place in Atchison, Kansas. Because apparently the apocalypse looked at the entire planet and decided northeastern Kansas was as good a place as any to start fucking things up.
Joe Keery plays Travis "Teacake" Meacham, a self-storage employee whose night shift becomes a compelling argument for unemployment. Georgina Campbell is Naomi, his considerably more sensible coworker, and together they're the last people on earth you'd want responsible for containing a potentially civilization-ending biological disaster. Which is precisely why they're so much fun to watch. Keery has that wonderful ability to make panic look like an extension of his personality, while Campbell gives Naomi enough intelligence, attitude, and genuine resourcefulness to avoid becoming another obligatory woman screaming at something unpleasant in a hallway. I particularly enjoyed how their chemistry develops through shared terror rather than some half-assed romantic subplot somebody in a studio meeting insisted the movie needed.
David Koepp's screenplay occasionally moves too quickly for its own good, but the dialogue has an appealing looseness, and the performers make the most of it. These aren't scientists or military professionals trained to prevent extinction. They're two people working a shitty job who suddenly discover that the storage units contain something considerably worse than somebody's abandoned exercise equipment. And nobody's getting paid enough for this shit.
Liam Neeson is terrific as Robert Quinn, a veteran bioterror operative whose accumulated experience has apparently prepared him for everything except the spectacular stupidity of the human race. What makes Neeson so entertaining is his refusal to acknowledge that he's in a comedy. He treats the situation with complete seriousness, allowing the humor to emerge from his professional exhaustion rather than some forced attempt at being funny. Lesley Manville is equally wonderful as Trini Romano, bringing a deliciously sharp authority to the proceedings. Can she just be in everything? Seriously. Fingers crossed. Vanessa Redgrave, Sosie Bacon, and Richard Brake round out a supporting cast that understands the difference between playing absurd material seriously and treating the material itself as a joke. I've always appreciated actors who recognize that distinction. There's nothing worse than a horror comedy where everybody spends the entire movie congratulating themselves on how clever they're being. Fortunately, this cast has better instincts.
The fucking fungus. Sweet Jesus. The creature effects are where Cold Storage earns its place among the beautifully disgusting B-movies that made eighties horror such a wonderful playground for cinematic lunatics. I've always had an enormous affection for filmmakers who understand that bodily destruction can be horrifying, hilarious, and visually inventive at the same time. This organism doesn't simply infect its victims. It hijacks their bodies, rewrites their biology, and transforms human anatomy into a grotesque delivery system with absolutely no respect for structural integrity.
Some of the digital effects aren't nearly as convincing as the more tactile grotesqueries, and I occasionally wanted Campbell to linger on the aftermath rather than immediately racing toward the next unfortunate bastard. But the imagination is there, and that's what matters. Anybody can throw a bucket of fake blood at the camera. The trick is making the audience wonder what fresh obscenity the filmmakers have dreamed up next. Cold Storage understands that pleasure, and I found myself laughing at things that would probably get me escorted out of a more respectable establishment.
Campbell and Koepp understand the mechanics of genre filmmaking, and their cast gives the material enough conviction to keep the humor from overwhelming the threat. I laughed, I winced, and I appreciated the craftsmanship involved in making something this disgusting so entertaining. Cold Storage isn't going to revolutionize horror, nor should that be the standard by which we judge it. It's a nasty, funny, inventive creature feature that reminded me why I fell in love with this stuff decades ago. Sometimes a movie earns my affection simply by knowing exactly what it wants to accomplish and having the skill to pull it off. This one also has a fungus that desperately needs to mind its own fucking business.
Cold Storage is currently streaming on Amazon Prime Video.
MPAA Rating: R.
Runtime: 99 mins
Director: Johny Campbell
Writer: David Koepp
Cast: Sosie Bacon; Liam Neeson; Lesley Manville
Genre: Horror | Comedy
Tagline: If it spreads... you're dead.
Memorable Movie Quote: "That fucking deer just took the fucking elevator."
Distributor: Amazon Prime Video
Official Site: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GMQCDVKY?lv=shuf&channelId=520&plpRedirect=mhFallback
Release Date:
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
Synopsis: When a highly dangerous fungus escapes from a secret laboratory, a former bioterrorism agent is called back into action. Alongside two young employees, he must confront an invisible and out-of-control threat.
