Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Want some cheese with your Christmas?  Because Vinegar Syndrome and Something Weird Video have plenty of it with this historical (or is that hysterical?) release!

Something is wrong with the children of Mars and only Santa Claus can solve their mystery moodiness.  With enough misguided Christmas cheer to make the Hallmark channel all a-quiver with silent fright, a band of goofy green Martians (wearing green tights and bedazzled antennae hats) make their Hi-def debut with the ultimate in Christmas gift-giving ideas: a plan to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth.

"just what the doctor ordered for anyone with a science fiction-sized heart and an unyielding love for camp humor."


Originally filmed in 1964, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a classic in its own right.  The film, always appearing on someone’s worse film ever made list, might actually be the worst holiday-themed movie ever made but, with a giant robot and a man in polar bear suit crawling through fake snow, it’s just what the doctor ordered for anyone with a science fiction-sized heart and an unyielding love for camp humor.

Directed by Nicholas Webster and featuring an 8-year-old Pia Zadora as a depressed Martian child, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the not-so true-to-life story of the United Nations’ search for the jolly fat man in a little red suit (John Call) after he is kidnapped from the North Pole and sent to Mars to assist them with their sad adult-acting children.  Alongside a kidnapped Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti), Santa charms the pants off the Martians with his old timey jokes and natural good cheer.  He even deflects the United States missiles with his Christmas spirit.Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

While the conniving and very moustached Voldar (Vincent Beck) and his band of merry Martians seem to be the most resistant to Santa’s good nature, even their plan to ruin the holiday (in a Three Stooges-like manner) runs out of steam under Santa’s spell.  It’s only a matter of time before all Martians “accidentally” understand the importance and the true meaning of Christmas.  And, for good measure, there’s a bit of 60’s cinematic zaniness thrown in, at the film’s anarchic climax, to make Michelangelo Antonioni’s Blow Up, appearing two years later, look like a mod wannabe.

The script, written by Paul L. Jacobson and Glenville Mareth, features layers of science fiction hooey, laughable dialogue from aliens with human motives, and provides enough opportunities for its actors to make some poor character choices which simply defy explanation.  It’s as awful as it is awesome.  Once you see a Martian dressed up like Santa Claus being held for ransom deep below Mars, you’ll understand what a cult film is.  It’s gloriously off-putting and generally gut-busting in execution.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a riotous mess in almost every way.  Entirely entertaining, the film hits its mark as a holiday film and surpasses it with the holiday and 60’s goofiness it exudes as the Martians learn to celebrate the season that Santa Claus consistently Ho Ho Ho’s about.

If you aren’t singing along to “Hooray for Santy Claus” at the film’s conclusion, then you have no cinematic heart and no true holiday spirit.  And, with the lyrics printed on the screen for you, you really have no excuse.  Just get some weed and let the good times roll.

3/5 beers

 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

4k details divider

4k UHDBlu-ray - Slipcover in Original Pressing

Home Video Distributor: AGFA
Available on Blu-ray
- December 3, 2024
Screen Formats: 1.33:1
Subtitles
: English SDH
Audio:
English: DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0
Discs: Blu-ray Disc; single disc
Region Encoding: Blu-ray locked to Region A, B

Walking in a winter weirdoland! SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS & OTHER HOLIDAY HALLUCINATIONS is a blizzard of mid-century kitsch that will make your holiday dreams come true—especially if you're a Martian. Preserved from Something Weird's colorful 16mm print and presented in a brand new "roadshow" edition with ads and trailers, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) is the infamous, ultra-cheap mindmelter starring young Pia Zadora (HAIRSPRAY) that follows the kidnapping of Santa and two Earth children by Martians. From there, our visit to the North Pole continues with SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE DRIVE-IN (60 minutes of snipes and trailers) and over two hours of delirious shorts.

VIDEO

The film is presented in an aspect ratio of 1.33:1 and Something Weird’s transfer has been mined from a 16mm TV print.  There’s some flickering coming from the edge’s of the picture, however, all is not entirely lost. The company manages to make the image look pleasant. The color is warm and saturated, though fleshtones veer to an unnatural shade of orange.  Shadows are fairly deep but there’s an overblown brightness to most of the picture. The print’s age and frequency of use is on display as dirt and scratches are abundant.  

AUDIO

The sound, too, is a mixed bag. Presented in a mono 2.0 LPCM track, dialogue and music are compressed and pops and hisses are audible.

Supplements:

Commentary:

  • None

Special Features:

The idea with this release is to get as weird as possible and, true to its word, this partnership between Something Weird and Vinegar Syndrome, is exactly that. Full of cheesy S-VHS entries and a whole lot of seasonal cheese, this region-free release is for true believers only.

  • SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964, 88 mins): “Roadshow” version preserved from Something Weird’s 16mm print
  • SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE DRIVE-IN (60 mins): Preserved from original Something Weird S-VHS masters
  • Shorts preserved from Something Weird S-VHS masters:
  • A CHRISTMAS DREAM
  • A CHRISTMAS FANTASY
  • CHRISTMAS IN TOYLAND
  • CHRISTMAS JOURNEY
  • CHRISTMAS TREE
  • THE CHRISTMAS VISITOR
  • THE LIBERACE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
  • MERRY CHRISTMAS
  • THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
  • A PRESENT FOR SANTA CLAUS
  • SANTA IN ANIMAL LAND
  • THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
  • A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS
  • A VISIT TO SANTA
  • Insert with writing by Something Weird's Lisa Petrucci
  • English SDH subtitles

4k rating divider

  Movie 3/5 stars
  Video  3/5 stars
  Audio 2/5 stars
  Extras 4/5 stars

Composite Blu-ray Grade

3/5 stars


Film Details

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

MPAA Rating: Not rated.
Runtime:
81 mins
Director
: Nicholas Webster
Writer:
Glenville Mareth; Paul L. Jacobson
Cast:
John Call; Leonard Hicks; Vincent Beck
Genre
: Holiday | Sci-fi
Tagline:
Santa brings Christmas fun to mars.
Memorable Movie Quote: "Santa, you will never return to Earth, you belong to Mars now."
Theatrical Distributor:
Embassy Pictures
Official Site: https://www.americangenrefilm.com/home-videos/santa-claus-conquers-the-martians-other-holiday-hallucinations/
Release Date:
November 14, 1964
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
December 3, 2024.
Synopsis: The Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.

Art

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians